Finding a voice

I approached A, rather tentatively, on the subject of the "self". I've always wanted to listen and infuse within me the other side of others- the hardly spoken side of others.

 Some hesitate and don't give in too soon, some just need a slight coaxing and others only need a question to spill themselves all over the place. I find these revelations rather liberating, like unlocking a secret. It brings a sense of connectedness in a way I never knew existed. Probably, they too are finding themselves in the process as much as I am.

"You haven't changed very much in these many years." I told her.

I know what I just remarked sounded false, even to my ears, even to those who didn't know A. Who doesn't go through change anyhow?!

We've known each other vaguely for the past eight years. We are the wives of two really close friends. While the friends meet regularly- which is part of their whole business set up, we hadn't seen each other in a very long time.

 And yet, facebook bridged that gap between us in a strange way. We didn't have to start from level one on ourselves at this juncture. But there are some things facebook can't do. And that's when the real story begins.

She belongs to a conservative Muslim family which can be placed on the Malabar side of Kerala. Although, that does say something about her, I must confess what I deeply admire in her may have nothing to do with the 'Muslim upbringing' or may have everything to do with it.

What struck me as a blow was her display of a cool attitude to matters that surrounded her immediate concerns. It was that impression she left on me when I last saw her as a new mother to a 10 month old girl and which still looks the same, seven years later, with the addition of another child.

She is an earnest care-giver and nurturer and knew exactly when to not take things too hard on her self. She is a provider in her own way and seemed never to tire out of it. Before you could even utter what it was that you needed from her, it will be right before you in no time. 

Yes, her work was the invisible work most women do. Work that goes unnoticed. But I have also heard women (including myself) grouse a lot around it but make no mistake, she wasn't that kind. It was admirable then and now that I decided to allow my very marrow to suck every bit of it ever since I'd recognised it first in her.

"You know,  I did change after D was born and more so after our younger one joined the family. It was hard in a strange way. The expectations that needed to be met was grinding me on the inside, especially since the second child came out. I began to lose temper all too soon and on trivial matters that too. I would berate D for having gotten a wrong answer in a homework assignment. 

Sitara, you know? I was angry at my husband and even my mother on these occasions. Have you ever felt that? 

And it all took a while for me to get a grip on reality. I wrapped my head around the fact that I'm a grown woman with two kids and husband and that only our immediate families can be concerned about them. They have all the right, so, why should I stop them from using that right?'

We hold on to a lot of things that cannot be mended. It is these stories and many others that we carry inside of us- some that are our own to keep, others that we share- that build us. 

We're, thus, created. 

'It was hard for me to stay calm and patient while dealing with my children. But I've finally arrived at a point where providing empathy for them all has become easier.'

Combine her generous heart with a regard of utter nonchalance to matters that would have bothered other women; she made a splendid host to us when we lodged ourselves at her place for the weekend.

"What persona!", I often wondered watching her slither her way among us like a cool breeze.

She didn't give away a lot on personal, familial issues. We didn't need those details. 

We don't always need to spell everything about ourselves to others. Sometimes, all they just need is a sense of who you are. And it is this subtlety that we both needed then.

Whatever she generously divulged touched a common core in me. A locus point, I identified, that arose my sense of belonging with her. I understood she graced upon points in her life as touchstones of growth and learning. She spoke of only what matters to her now, what prompts her to search within and enables her to grow. And she laid them out to me in her usual open, naive kind of a manner.

A mother to a six year old girl myself, I could immediately relate patterns here, on psychological and emotional contexts. But I must say her story found a common chord to mine not just after we became mothers; although it is largely the reason, but also because we were vastly innocent and gullible as daughters and daughters-in-law and that our eyes opened to a lot of things at some point there.

A lot of things that seemed like the ugly truth then but now, to us, doesn't have to necessarily remain 'the truth'. It helped us focus on the sides of others we sought to inspire and to get inspired.

Most of what we have to deal with when being part of a family and a society at large is present under the skin. And we cut through most of it only over a walk or a cup of tea or in this case, beside the kitchen stove top while making Neer Dosa. Ergo, her story spilled forth!

With every word she spoke; despite the different upbringings, circumstances and experiences, I was glad to discover that we're on the same road here. We've both been nursing ourselves, our psyche, our thinking and our very deep conviction of being to a more positive, coherent and approachable attitude to life.

"I've arrived at a point where I've learned to accept a lot of things around me. I've been through bitter tears and anger modes a lot often in the past. I'm more determined to raise my kids kindly, trying to understand them and everything that surrounds us"

And thus, she's arriving.

We're all containing multitudes inside of us. It is these confided stories of shared learnings, atonement, growth and love that bring a universal camarderie into the tapestry of our very being. 

We each seek ourselves, every day, in whatever form we choose, amidst all the life we face. This is our beauty. This is where we belong.